Is This Relationship Worth Keeping?

Using Poop to Determine Value

In continuing this month's theme of taking Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skills and sharing how I find they apply across many sessions, including non-DBT sessions, let's talk about ending relationships. This is another theme I often see in sessions, and another one of those skills that often needs extra discussion.

Relationships are not just romantic ones, though we're talking about those as well. Relationships are any connection between two things. You have a relationship with your friends, your family, your favorite restaurant, your phone, etc. In DBT, within the section on being effective interpersonally, there is a skill around ending relationships.

Importantly, this skill prioritizes safety in abusive relationships. If a relationship is abusive or causing harm, it is important to discuss the nuances of ending that relationship and develop a safety plan with your therapist.

Destructive and Interfering Relationships

In DBT, a destructive relationship is defined as one that can destroy the quality of the relationship or aspects of yourself, such as your body/safety, self-esteem, sense of self, sense of integrity, happiness, how much you care about the other person, etc. Meanwhile, an interfering relationship is one that makes it difficult to pursue goals that are important to you or interferes with your ability to enjoy life and the relationships you have with yourself and others.

I always tell clients not to get too wrapped up in the language and definitions. Simply ask yourself: Am I generally satisfied with this relationship? If you're reading this article and thinking of a specific person, it's likely the answer is no.

If, in your most wise mindset, you find yourself identifying serious issues in a relationship and considering whether it may need to end, let's explore some things to think about.

Thought Experiment: The Poop Trick

So, how do you know if a relationship needs to end? Some time ago, a decluttering trick involving poop was making the rounds in my social media neighborhood. If you got poop on an item, would you clean it and try to keep it, or would you throw it away?

For example, if poop got on one of the 17 plastic/paper bags you're storing, would you try to clean it off? Often, the answer is no. You'd throw it away. However, if poop got on your laptop, you'd probably not only clean it, but go to some pretty substantial lengths to ensure you're comfortable using it. The idea was that if you wouldn't bother to clean something off, it was probably something you could declutter. I like to translate this to relationships.

How much value does the relationship have for you? If metaphorical poop got on the relationship, would you try to clean it? What lengths would you go to? Or would you throw it away immediately?

This is a very situation-dependent question.

If your boss loses their temper with you, but you're also in a position where you cannot lose that job, you may go to some lengths to figure out how to navigate that dilemma without leaving the job and never speaking to your boss again. In other words, poop got on the item, but the item is deemed necessary and is not easily replaceable, so you're going to try your hardest to clean and sanitize it.

However, let's say you try and try to work through how you feel about your boss's behavior, talk to your boss about it, and you still feel extremely upset. Your quality of life is suffering. It's destroying your self-esteem and interfering with your ability to enjoy life. To put it another way, you've tried to clean it, but there's residue you cannot get off, and those whispers of poop residue are causing you to get sick each time you're near the item. This may be a sign that it is a destructive and interfering relationship, and it may be time to take steps to effectively end it.

There is absolutely a middle ground here. It is not simply end the relationship or keep the relationship. There is a world where your relationship moves from a certain kind of closeness to a different kind. There are ways to keep working through the issues and trust that change can happen with time. There are realities where you cannot leave the relationship, even if it is destructive or interfering, and we must figure out how to deal with that.

Your Value System

While "if there was poop on it, I would or wouldn't clean it" is a handy temperature check to determine a relationship's value to you, another kind of value to consider is your value system. These are qualities you find important: trust, empathy, honesty, authenticity, assertiveness, spirituality, etc.

When determining if it is time to end a relationship, ask yourself: Does the harm done conflict with my core values? If so, it's likely to have a much deeper impact that may take more time to mend.

Sometimes, it's helpful to figure out what that value is. If your friend forgot your birthday but you always remember theirs, perhaps it conflicts with a value of reciprocity and balance in relationships. Maybe it's valuing acts of service and words of affirmation. If the behavior is conflicting with your values, we return to the poop idea: the value conflict is the poop. Is it something you can get through? What will it take?

So, Is This Relationship Worth Keeping?

Once you do some exploration on why you're considering ending the relationship, it can be helpful to ask yourself what you would need in order to feel satisfied in it again. Is there something that needs to change? Is that change possible? Is the other person willing to work on it? Perhaps most importantly, are you willing to put in the effort?

These questions are not always easy to answer, particularly when the relationship is important to you. You may know that a relationship is hurting you and still feel deeply connected to the person. You may recognize that something needs to change without knowing what that change should look like. You may also find that the relationship is worth keeping, but not in the same form it has always taken.

And to throw a wrench in the whole discussion, don’t forget relationships involve two people, and there may be some introspection needed around your role in the relationship dynamic! But that is a separate discussion.

Not every difficult relationship needs to end. The goal is to take a closer look at what you're experiencing, what matters to you, and whether the relationship is allowing you to live the life you want.

If you do decide that it's time to end a relationship, that doesn't mean it was never valuable. Sometimes, a relationship can have been meaningful, important, and worth keeping for a period of your life, even if it no longer is.

As always, this is something worth exploring with your therapist, particularly if you're feeling stuck or unsure of what to do next.