What is a Meaningful Life?
In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), one of the ideas is to “build a life worth living,” or, in other words, build a life that feels meaningful and satisfying, even when things are hard. Oftentimes, people come to therapy with me and express that they feel stuck, unsatisfied, or unhappy with how their life is at this time, but they aren’t quite certain what they want to change.
I get it. Sometimes you know that something isn't working, but you aren't entirely sure what the something is. Sometimes, you have a pretty good life on paper, but it doesn't quite feel that way internally.
Years ago, Dr. Rischa Gottlieb of New Perspective Psychological Services showed me a beautiful breakdown of what makes a life meaningful, and there is an immeasurable value in being able to get it broken down onto paper like this. When we're feeling stuck, it can be difficult to step back and look at our lives as a whole. Having a framework can help us notice what is already working, what might be missing, and where we may want to grow.
There are many ways you could break this down, but generally, a meaningful life contains fulfillment and balance in the following six arenas: play, cohesive identities, meaningful work, relative safety, interpersonal connectedness, and a connection to something greater.
What does this mean? I’d love to tell you!
Play
Play is fun, engaging, and often taps into something that feels a little more connected to childhood. It is the part of life where we get to do things because we enjoy them, not because they are productive, impressive, or necessary.
For some people, this might look like dancing, playing a sport, making art, crafting, reading a book, playing video games, or spending time with friends doing something completely ridiculous. For others, it might be gardening, cooking, exploring a new place, or doing a hobby that they haven't made time for in years.
Play doesn't have to look childish, but it often involves reconnecting with the parts of ourselves that are curious, creative, spontaneous, or simply interested in having a good time.
One of the questions I like to ask is: What do you do that is genuinely fun for you?
Not what you think you should enjoy. Not what looks good on Instagram. What actually brings you some enjoyment?
And if the answer is “I don't know,” that's okay. Sometimes we have been so focused on work, responsibilities, or getting through difficult periods that we haven't had much opportunity to figure that out.
Cohesive Identities
Yes, plural.
We are a map of different identities. An identity is some trait or characteristic that you might see in others and think, “Oh yes, I relate to that!” For example, you might identify as a sister, a teacher, a friend, a dancer, a New Yorker, someone with red hair, an empathetic person, or someone who loves animals. You might have identities connected to your culture, gender, sexuality, career, family, interests, or values.
A meaningful life is one where these different identities have a sense of cohesion. They are distinct, but they are also integrated. You don't have to feel like you are an entirely different person depending on who you're with.
This doesn't mean every part of your identity has to look the same in every setting. We all have different roles and responsibilities, and it is normal to express different parts of ourselves in different environments. You may not want to talk to your boss the same way you talk to your childhood best friend! But there is a difference between adapting to a situation and feeling like you have to abandon an important part of yourself to fit in.
For example, maybe you are a successful professional, but you also really value being silly and playful. Maybe you are a parent, but you also want to maintain your identity as an individual with your own interests and goals. Maybe you value your cultural background, but you also have beliefs or ways of living that don't fit neatly into what your family expects.
A meaningful life makes room for these different parts of you.
It can be helpful to ask yourself: Which parts of my identity feel well-integrated into my life, and which parts have I been neglecting or keeping separate?
Meaningful Work
Meaningful work does not have to be what you do for money. It can be your career, but it can also be volunteer work, caring for family, creating something, mentoring someone, or contributing to a community. It is anything that gives you a sense that your time and energy are going toward something that matters to you.
Sometimes meaningful work is about using your skills, and sometimes it’s about helping other people. Sometimes it is about creating, learning, or accomplishing something that you find satisfying. Sometimes, meaningful work is simply work that you enjoy doing.
We can get caught up in the idea that our careers are supposed to be our entire purpose in life. That can create a lot of pressure, especially when our jobs are not particularly fulfilling or when we are in a season of life where work is not our primary focus. You can have a meaningful life without having a dream job. You can have a career that you love and still need other things in your life to feel fulfilled. And yes, meaningful work can also come from your actual work.
The question is: What do I do that feels worthwhile to me?
Relative Safety
A meaningful life requires a sense of safety. We cannot fully build a meaningful life in a space where we are consistently in danger or feel that our basic needs are not being met. When we are focused on surviving, it can be difficult to have the time, energy, or emotional capacity to think about fulfillment.
This may mean physical safety for you. It may mean financial stability, housing, or access to healthcare. It may mean emotional safety in your relationships or identity-driven safety, such as feeling safe as a trans man in your workplace and personal life.
I want to emphasize the word relative. We cannot create a life where absolutely nothing difficult or uncertain ever happens. Life involves risk, change, and things outside of our control. The goal is not to eliminate every possible source of discomfort or uncertainty. Rather, it is to have enough safety and stability that you can actually participate in your life.
For example, someone may have a job they love, but if they are constantly worried about losing their housing, that financial stress may make it difficult to experience the rest of their life as meaningful. Someone may have wonderful friends, but if they do not feel safe being themselves around their family or at work, that may affect their overall sense of well-being.
Sometimes, the work of building a life worth living involves addressing the things that are making life feel unsafe (if you can) before we can fully focus on the things that make life satisfying.
Interpersonal Connectedness
We strive to feel connected. It is one of the basic human needs, to feel in touch with others, to feel understood and cared for. This can include romantic relationships, friendships, family, community, or any other relationships where you feel a sense of belonging.
Interpersonal connectedness is not necessarily about having a large social circle. Some people feel most connected through a few close relationships, while others thrive with a broader community around them.
What matters is having relationships where you can experience connection, care, and mutual understanding.
Of course, relationships are complicated. We can love people and still feel lonely. We can have people in our lives and still feel misunderstood. We can also have relationships that are meaningful but require boundaries, communication, or changes in how we participate in them.
“Building a life worth living” could mean strengthening the relationships we already have, or making space for new relationships, or learning how to ask for what we need or how to be more present with the people we care about.
A question to consider: Where in my life do I feel connected, and where do I wish I had more connection?
Connection to Something Greater
This one can look different for everyone. A connection to something greater might be religion or spirituality. It might be nature, a community, a cultural tradition, or a cause that matters deeply to you. It might be a sense of connection to humanity, the universe, or something that gives you a feeling of purpose beyond your individual life.
It doesn't have to be religious. It doesn't have to be something you can define perfectly. The idea is that there is something bigger than just you and your day-to-day responsibilities that you feel connected to.
Why does this matter? Connection again. Meaning. Purpose.
Sometimes, our lives can become very focused on what we need to accomplish, what we need to get done, or what is happening in our immediate surroundings. Having something greater that we feel connected to can help us step outside of that and feel part of something larger.
For some people, that might mean attending religious services or spending time in nature. For others, it might mean volunteering, participating in a cultural community, or working toward a cause they believe in. For some people, it might simply be feeling connected to nature or having a sense of awe about being alive. There is no one right way to experience this.
The question is: What makes me feel connected to something beyond myself?
What Do I Do With This?
You may be asking yourself, “Okay, so what do I actually do with this?”
First, think about what you already have that fills each bucket. You may already have a lot of play in your life, but not much meaningful work. You may have meaningful work and strong relationships, but feel like your identities have gotten lost in your responsibilities. You may feel connected to something greater, but struggle with safety or stability.
These things can change over time. What you need in one season of life may be different from what you need in another. The goal is not to have every bucket perfectly full at all times. That is probably not realistic, and it would be a pretty exhausting way to live.
Instead, consider:
What areas of my life feel fulfilling right now?
What areas feel a little empty or out of balance?
Is there something I have been neglecting that I would like to make more room for?
What is one small way I could begin building more meaning in my life?
You don't have to overhaul your entire life to begin building a life worth living. Sometimes, it starts with making a little more room for something that matters to you.
A DBT Bonus: Accumulating Positives and Building Mastery
If you feel stagnant or stuck in a sense of inertia, I often explore the “A - Long Term” and “B” emotion regulation skills: Accumulating Positives - Long Term, and Building Mastery.
Sometimes, we feel pretty good about our life choices, but something that is missing is feeling like we are building toward something we value or feeling accomplished.
Accumulating Positives - Long Term involves having experiences that build toward something you value. This is not just about doing something fun tonight, although that can certainly help. It is about making choices that move you toward a value or goal that feels meaningful or important. That might mean developing a hobby, investing in relationships, working toward a career goal, or making time for something you genuinely enjoy.
Building Mastery involves doing something that is a little bit hard, but not impossible, and working toward a sense of accomplishment.
Sometimes, we get stuck in a cycle where everything feels too difficult, and we don't have the energy to take on anything else. Other times, we may find that things have become a little too easy or predictable, and we aren't getting much of a sense of accomplishment from our day-to-day lives.
Building mastery is about finding that sweet spot where you are challenging yourself enough to grow, without setting yourself up for failure. Maybe you learn a new dance combination, try a new recipe, take on a project at work, or learn a new skill. It doesn't have to be something huge. It just needs to be something that is meaningful to you and gives you a chance to practice, improve, and feel accomplished.
If your six meaningful life buckets feel full and you still feel unfulfilled, I’d explore whether you feel like you are:
Working toward something or building something that you value.
Accomplishing something that is a little bit hard, but not impossible.
Sometimes, building a life worth living is about making sure that we are not just maintaining the life we have, but also continuing to grow within it. It is about recognizing that the life we are building does not have to look a certain way to be meaningful. It just has to be meaningful to you.