Bite-Sized Insights: Control & Emotion Regulation
A surprising number of behaviors, including many that seem unrelated at first, can be understood through the lenses of control and emotion regulation. In particular, addiction and eating disorders, two of the most lethal mental health issues, are closely related to these ideas.
We generally do not like feeling out of control, though some people enjoy experiences that feel out of control within an intentionally contained environment. This applies to our emotions and relationships, too. In sessions, I find that so many behaviors, including ones that initially seem unrelated, come back to control and emotion regulation. Sometimes, this looks like controlling what you eat or don't eat, using substances to quickly change how you feel, or getting caught up in anxious thoughts as you try to anticipate every possible outcome. When you're worried about what someone else thinks of you, you might try to control how they perceive you. These behaviors can serve different purposes, but often, they offer some sense of control or a way to manage uncomfortable emotions.
Substances offer an immediate shift in emotion. Disordered eating behaviors can provide a (maladaptive) way to cope with feeling unhappy with your body or a sense of control that helps quell spiraling emotions. Self-harm can create an emotional release that makes deep emotional pain feel more manageable, or it might feel justified by your own sense of self (“I deserve to hurt”). Even self-deprecation in social settings can be about control: “I can say the mean thing about myself before they can.”
We repeatedly engage in behaviors because they do something for us. The problem is that sometimes what they offer in the short term harms us in the long run. The more you think about it, the more you'll notice how these repeated, harmful behaviors often come back to control and emotion regulation.
The next time you find yourself self-sabotaging or stuck in a behavior pattern you want to change, ask yourself: How is this helping me feel more in control or emotionally regulated? Then comes the real work: getting underneath that behavior to understand what you need and finding ways to meet those needs that help you build a different kind of life.